Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . [bur do not forget to include your own funny joke or story to make your reply/post legal!]

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a member of the echo, I won't even charge you my usual $39.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A little info for the men in the group:

What's the difference between a woman with PMS & a woman going through menopause?
A woman with PMS will kill you; a woman going through menopause will force you to take your own life.

-= 2 =-
~# stolen without shame from Quora #~ A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandÆs key in the door.

ôStay where you are,ö she whispered. ôHeÆs so drunk he wonÆt even notice youÆre in bed with me.ö

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: ôHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. WhatÆs going on?ö

ôYouÆre so drunk you miscounted,ö said the wife. ôGet out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.ö

The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: ôOne, two, three, four. Oh, youÆre right.ö

-= 3 =-
#~ & again #~
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that thereÆs no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

ôWhere did you get that car?ö his mom and dad screamed in shock.

ôI bought it today,ö replied the teen calmly.

ôWith what money young man?ö his mom demands. ôWe know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!ö

ôWell, itÆs used and I got a good deal,ö says the boy, ôThis one cost me 20 dollars.ö

ôWho on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!ö

ôThe woman up the street,ö the boy replies. ôI donÆt know her nameûshe just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.ö

The boyÆs dad and mom hurry over to their new neighborÆs house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.

ôIÆm the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,ö the dad says. ôI need an explanation from you!ö

ôWell,ö the woman says, not looking up from her garden. ôThis morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesnÆt intend to come back.ö

ôWhat on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?ö The boyÆs mom asks, utterly perplexed.

The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. ôWell, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

ôSo I did.ö

-= 4 =-
At bedtime, the 81-year-old woman said to her 83-year-old husband:

"Listen... I just looked out the window, and I think the garage light is on. Would you get up and turn it off?"

With great difficulty, the old man got out of bed, opened the door, and went outside. He saw five or six burglars tampering with the garage door. He immediately called the police station.

"Look... take down my address. ItÆs just my wife and me here, and five or six thieves are attacking my garage. Please send a police team quickly..."

The dispatcher replied, "We've noted your address. Don't worry. No team is available right now. I'll send someone as soon as I can get a team."

Frustrated, the old man watched the burglars struggling with the garage locks. Two minutes later, he called the police station again:

"Listen... there's no need to send anyone now. IÆve shot all five of them."

The police station erupted in chaos. Within five minutes, a police team arrived in the street with a helicopter, paramedics, three doctors, and two ambulances. Soon, they had the criminals under control. Later, the team leader casually walked up to the old man and asked:

"You said you shot them, didnÆt you?"

"And didnÆt you say no team was available?"

-= 5 =-
My dad came to me and asked if latex paint would bond well with stucco, as he wanted to paint the outside of the garage.

"How the heck would Know?" I replied.

"Ok," he said, "I'll just use the Google to look up latex bondage. . ."

"Dad. . .no!"

-= 6 =-
~# from bygeorgejournal.ca #~ (no, not me) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, ôIÆll give you 100,000 dinars for it.ö The King protested, ôBut I paid a million dinars for it! DonÆt you know who I am? I am the king!ö Croesus replied, ôWhen you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.ö

-= 7 =-
~# from r/dadjokes (Reddit) #~
The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

-= 8 =-
Q: Why do dogs make terrible dancers? A: They have two left feet!

Q: What's better than Ted Danson?
A: Ted Danson AND singin'

Q: What does a chemists's dog do with bones? A: Barium

-= 9 =-
~# heard from #mikeandjoelle on FB reel #~

The good thing about erectile dysfunction is that it can be cured with diet and exercise.
The hard part is getting your wife to diet and exercise!

-= 10 =-
Long but good. . .

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.


When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!


There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.


You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.


The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!!! To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

It's funny 'cause it's TRUE!!!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)